Two years later, I found myself in the gynecologist’s office. My last visit was before the lockdown two years ago.

- You missed last year’s annual checkup? - Dr. K frowned at me.
- I was busy.
- Too busy for your annual checkup?
- Doctor, you don’t understand! We had a product launch last year, and then we had to scale fast and hire more people. I am dealing with three teams in different time zones. I’ve been sleeping five hours for the past two years. I don’t even have time to have..."

Dr. K interrupted me,
“I want you to have an ultrasound and most likely a biopsy. The oncologist will explain it.”

“.. a facial or a massage, last time I had it...
What?! An oncologist?”
I felt dizzy.
I visualized long hours in the office, thousands of emails and Zoom calls.

What if an oncologist said I had six months to live? That’s all I would remember?

My last two years of life were endless stressful situations I had put myself in. 
For what? For some idea that I’d have a financial reward big enough to ensure a comfortable life one day. 

I worked as hard as a man in the man-dominated tech industry, and burned out physically to the point I lost my health, my spark, my joy.

“I am so tired!” I collapsed on my doctor’s shoulder as I wiped away my tears. 

“I feel like a pickup truck...”

I went home, silently weeping in the back of the Uber, realizing people don’t change when they see the light. Often, we only change when we feel the heat.

That day I received my wake-up call. There were things I had to do, conversations I needed to have, like:

- Do you love me?
- I do. Do you still love me?
- Yes. But...
- Do you feel we are not in love anymore?
- Yes. I feel like working together killed our love.
- You are my best friend. I’ll always love you.

The movers. Wrapping my furniture, taking boxes to a strange new
place. I had to start over again.

How did I let it happen? When did it happen the very first time? I
tried to remember.

When did I start betraying myself? When did I say “yes” when I wanted to say “hell, no!”

It starts with a little thing, just one. And another one. And then you don’t even notice when you betray yourself in a big way.

I needed to figure out why on earth we women do that.

Falling in love. What is wrong with this sentence?

Not “love,” of course. It’s the “falling” part.
It happens to a lot of women: two people come together, and a woman usually falls. A woman tends to mold herself according to what her man wants her to be. She puts her dreams on the shelf. The “pleaser” mask that most women are conditioned to wear seems like a formula for a happy marriage, a default path many women take, not knowing it leads to self-destruction.
2021 was simultaneously the absolute best and worst year of my life, a year of extreme highs and extreme lows. It showed me that pain and pleasure can coexist simultaneously; that I can be in deep sadness while also feeling unconditional love; that I can experience deep gratitude and the righteous anger/feminine rage of Kali; that I can feel trapped and enjoy living in a hermit’s state with success and burnout, depression and reverence for life, losing everything and rising like a phoenix from the ashes.

In 2021, I died and gave birth to myself multiple times. I was tested on all levels. And I am grateful for all my scars—they are my treasures.

Short calming meditations and balanced nutrition helped me survive the crazy work hours, stressful negotiations, and the hiring and training of new teams. The reality was that, working in a tech startup as an executive, I had to wear many “hats.” There was no such thing as nine-to-five office hours. I worked nonstop, and I was lucky if I squeezed a shower between the 10:00 p.m. call with Poland and the 1:00 a.m. call with India. I lived on the global schedule of my international tech teams.

After many months of the constant pressure of deadlines..

I lost my Self As A Woman.

I became a machine that delivered results. Everything had to be under control. There was no time to feel weak, frustrated, or emotional. I shuffled my emotions under the rug to deal with them “later.”
Everything became “later.”
Later we’d have money, and later we’d enjoy life.

I had a competitive “must deliver” attitude, a hustling lifestyle, and a long to-do list—the masculine way of doing business.

It became unbearable. I started wondering whether there was another way of building a business empire and still having joy —the feminine way?

If we want to feel like a Ferrari again, we have to change our lifestyle habits. From the food we eat and the thoughts we are marinated in to the self-love rituals we have each day, all of these choices reflect the level of our standards.

To me, Ferrari means having high standards.
Would you put cheap oil in a luxury car?

“Ferrari” is the Woman in us, the feminine energy.

What we want, what we need, is to feel nourished as a well-fed Woman.

I don’t mean only in a physical nutrition sense, even though it starts there. I mean energetically fed, taken care of, honored.

Magic happens when we can own that we do have needs, own what those needs are, and give them to ourselves. And when we can’t, we ask for help.

So, I committed to the rule: “Feed the Feminine First.”

Fill my cup up so much that it’s overflowing with joy, vibrant energy, and excitement, which is what I teach at my women-only pHenomenal retreats. I learned how to get from burnout to life in balance by releasing suppressed emotions with the help of HypnoBreathwork®, ecstatic dance, sound healing, meditations, and yummy nutrition that supports female hormones. I teach women—from high-achievers and female executives to overwhelmed moms—the practical tools to restore life balance, reignite health and happiness, and get the sparkle back. Feel. Receive. Embody.

Because how alive you feel matters. Finding what brings you joy and makes you feel alive — that is what makes your life phenomenal.

What else have I learned?
I learned the magic of raw surrender. I learned to love every high and low and accept them as equally important parts of my journey. I learned the beauty of letting go and letting the Universe open my heart to endless opportunities for growth. I realized that if I wanted to experience more, I must surrender. I needed to let go of control. I decided to accept what comes my way, and I chose to feel it all.

But first I had to thrive within myself. To drop in, to show up, to love myself, and then, only then, I would be able to rise as a Woman.

“Love yourself first.”
This is the advice I share with every woman and girl in my life.
“Stay true to yourself. Be yourself!
If you try to be something different, when you go against your true nature, you will suffocate from the inside out.”

I learned to be myself again.

Now, I do not pretend to be someone I am not.

I embrace that I am too honest, too strong, too intense, too wild, too emotional. I am a badass and fight fiercely.
I love too hard and feel too deeply.
I command respect
because I learned never to abandon myself.

I learned not to apologize for who I am, because I understand myself.
Because I am the only one who has lived my life and learned from my story. I know myself. I know who I am, what I feel, what I do, and why I do it.

So I release my partner from the obligation to make me feel complete. I lack nothing in myself. I love myself.

Therefore, I allow my partner into my world to see the love in me. I don’t worry about what other people think. Instead, I go within and listen.
Oh yes, I listen and feel that I am perfect,
just as I am right now.
I stand in my truth.
I rise and roar like a playful tigress.
I radiate love and kindness.
I surrender to joy, balance, and bliss.
And I make my life pHenomenal.

I am a Woman. This is my superpower.

What is yours?